by Lisa Cybaniak
*Trigger warning*
Is healing after child abuse possible? The statistics for survivors of all the various types of child abuse are staggering. One of the many things we don’t talk about often enough is the fact that these children grow up to become adults.
Today we’re talking about the steps my guest takes everyday along her healing journey. She is Caryn Walker, a qualified life coach and counsellor, author of her memoir, “Tell me you’re sorry, Daddy”, and survivor of child abuse and rape.
Meet Caryn Walker
Caryn knows what it’s like to not want to talk about her past, and the revelations it took to realise that’s exactly what she needed and wanted to do. Once she was in a place in her life when she felt secure enough to be vulnerable, had a soft place to fall, and had learned to trust her own gut instincts, she came forward and started her healing journey.
As a result, her abuser was arrested, charged, and sentenced to 16-years in prison. It took her 30-years to speak up, but she’s now found her voice. She tells her story in order to help other victims find their voice.
Ready to learn from a survivor herself on what steps she took, and continues to take, along her healing journey? We have an eye-opening discussion today that I know you don’t want to miss.
So, let’s dive right in!
Healing through Speaking out
Both Caryn and I recognise that speaking out in the ways that we are doing isn’t necessarily right for everyone. You may never feel drawn to shouting your experiences from the rooftops, going up on stage to share with thousands of people, or even taking to social media with the details of your past. You may also never feel it is right for you to turn to the police and report your abuse. And that is okay.
What Caryn is suggesting is that speaking to someone – anyone – about what has happened to you, is more helpful than you might imagine.
If you’ve tried counselling or other therapies that haven’t been effective, it may either be the therapist him or herself that you didn’t jive with, or the type of therapy.
I like to use the analogy of trying out yoga for the first time. Most people would first investigate all their options. How many studios are close to your home or work? What are their hours, schedule for classes, and the cost for each class? Do they offer a drop-in rate? What about a free trial class pass?
Most do offer the latter because they know how important it is for you to find the right type of yoga AND the right instructor. There are so many different styles of yoga, and every one of them has incredible benefits. That doesn’t mean you’re going to gel with all of them.
And therapy is the same.
If you’re adamant you’re not going to go to therapy, have you tried speaking to a friend or your partner? Just being able to speak your truth once can be empowering enough to lift the weight of the world off your shoulders. And that may very well be your first step to healing.
Remove toxic people
This step is so powerful. You attract what you give off, so if you’re stuck in a negative rut, you’re likely attracting people to you that can relate. That’s great if it offers you a gentle listening ear, but if they’re fuelling a downward spiral, it’s time to cut them loose. Instead, surround yourself with people who are emitting an energy that you want more of.
Of course, it needs to be said that there are many people out there who are just plain old toxic. They are the type who can’t stand to see someone else happy when they are not. They’d choose to sink the entire ship with everyone onboard if they couldn’t be the captain. We all know people like that and it’s obvious how detrimental they can be on our well-being.
So, take a close look at who you’re surrounding yourself with and ditch those who are allowing you to hold yourself back. If healing is the goal, then surround yourself with others who are also dedicated to healing.
Shift your mindset
It’s said that we have something like 60,000 thoughts per day, and 70% of them are negative. That’s staggering, don’t you think?
Caryn recommends you pay attention to the way you speak to yourself, catching the times you are putting yourself down, and purposely change the script. This can be done by literally replacing what you’re saying with the exact opposite. If you catch yourself saying you’re too stupid to do that, then replace it with “I’m an intelligent and capable woman who knows my strengths”.
I find meditation and walking in nature are very helpful to calm my mind. I do both activities daily, as part of my routine, regardless of whether I’m trying to ground myself in that moment or not. I’ve come to learn that doing these activities keeps me grounded, so I tend to use them as preventative techniques. However, I remember a not so distant time when they were more reactionary tools I used once I was already stressed and taking it out on myself.
Challenge your beliefs
I talk a lot about belief work, so you’ll be able to find lots more tips and tricks in other blog posts, and throughout my website and social media sites.
Caryn recommends learning what deeply rooted beliefs you have and unpacking the negative ones that are not serving you. Common negative beliefs I see surround thoughts on money, your abilities, your worth, societal norms, what kind of a place the world is, and your place in it.
We form our beliefs through our experiences in life. The strange thing is, most of our beliefs are formed by the age of seven. From there, we are just searching for evidence that those beliefs are true. Therefore, every experience we have from the time a new belief is formed is looked at through the eyes of someone who truly believes it to already be true.
You’ll want to challenge each of them as you realise it exists. Literally ask yourself if this is true; is it the only option; could your experiences mean something else? This is an absolute key component in the healing process.
Self-compassion
Caryn spoke of an entire course she took about self-compassion. Essentially, this term describes the activity of comparing how you respond to yourself when going through anything (particularly something difficult, or something that would cause you to be hard on yourself), with the thoughts and words you’d use towards your loved one going through the same experience. Finally, compare your thoughts and words to those you would use to a child experiencing that same difficulty.
You’ll be sure to be way kinder to your loved one, and especially the child, then you’d ever consider being to yourself.
Why?
Are you not deserving of that same compassion?
More from this episode
Caryn and I talk about so much more in this episode, including the Why I Didn’t Report and Me Too movements, how to know you’re ready to report, the difficulties survivors face when starting their own family, and how the well-known statistics on abuse survivors do more to shame us than to help us.
I’ll leave you with this quote from Caryn, discussed in this episode, “Is it that 95% of those who were abused go on to abuse OR that 95% of abusers were abused?”
Press play on the episode above – you don’t want to miss this!
Follow Caryn on Twitter or Facebook. Buy Caryn’s memoir, “Tell my you’re sorry, Daddy”
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Voice over credit: Shari Vandermolen. Shari is offering a free download of one of her songs to the fans of the Life Like You Mean It podcast! Just visit www.GiftFromShari.com and tell her where to send it. Shari’s debut album is available for streaming on all the major platforms including Spotify and iTunes.
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