What is Child Abuse?
There are so many different definitions, yet it is so important to get this right. Someone can be abused physically, mentally, or sexually.
Being told you are stupid repeatedly is just as abusive as being beaten, as is being neglected. Neither is better than the other, certainly.
Each is detrimental to the person on the receiving end, so does it really matter if the type of abuse fits into a nicely predetermined definition?
So, how do you tell that a child is being abused? We all think we would recognize ‘the signs’, I’m sure. Child abuse means an adult is getting angry and is hitting the child in an uncontrollable fit, right?
The child will have black eyes, and bruises around their arm where the adult grabbed them to drag them around. Sound about right? What if the child is not being abused by someone with anger management problems?
The Sadistic Abuser
If their abuser is a sadistic paedophile who meticulously plans out their attacks, knowing exactly the areas to avoid to prevent suspicion, will the signs be as obvious?
No, this abuser is different. They calculatingly plot their slow manipulation of the child over the course of years – playing the long game. These abusers begin with demeaning and belittling the child so their self-esteem is nice and low. The child won’t have the courage to seek out help. They may not even think they are worthy of help.
The abuser throws in the physical abuse to make sure the child fears them, and knows their place. When they know for certain that the child is too weak and frightened to tell anyone, then they know their safe to kick it up a notch. This is the perfect opportunity to begin molestation.
If the child didn’t speak up about the beatings, and thinks being belittled is normal, than they likely won’t speak up about something like this, no matter how sinister.
Reality for the abused child
Day in and day out, this child goes to school, plays with friends, and visits with other family members, yet no one suspects anything. Why? Because their scars are not on the surface to be seen.
They don’t have bruises on their limbs, neck or head, because their abuser knows better. And because the psychological abuse has been so slow and methodical, it passes as just normal low self-esteem, lack of confidence, or even hormonal changes if puberty is upon them. So how in the world do we spot the signs so we can do something to help?
The Difficulty in Spotting the Signs
In my opinion, it would have been so difficult for someone to have spotted my abuse because it began when I was two. By the time I entered school, any new signs to look out for would have been long gone.
If someone was paying really close attention, they may have been able to notice the way I dealt with conflict, and the negative language I would use toward myself when things didn’t go my way.
But none of it was substantial enough to think it was anything but age related. If my abuse would have started later, perhaps my teachers would have noticed a stark change in attitude or self-perception.
As a former teacher myself, I’ve been through 4 separate training sessions in 4 years on how to recognise the signs of abuse. In each session I would think to myself, ‘Yes, but not every abuser leaves these marks you speak of. Some abusers are so methodical, devious, and dangerous, it would be extremely difficult for anybody to recognise the signs.’
As a survivor of physical, emotional/psychological, and sexual abuse as a child (between the ages of 2-12), and now a former teacher of five years, I can relate to both sides of this problem. How do you recognise the signs when the signs are not clear?
Watch my story here:
5 Signs That Would Have Identified My Abuse
1. Striving for perfection
In order to avoid punishment, I needed to be perfect – always saying, and especially always doing, the right thing. That definitely included my studies. I had to be the best and get the best grades.
Teachers may have noticed my absolute need to do well. They may have just written it off as me being a perfectionist, or even just being a keen student.
I’m not saying all children who strive to do well are being abused, but for me, getting a perfect mark on a quiz wasn’t good enough if bonus marks were available. And it wasn’t the disappointing look I’d get from my failure, it was the punishment itself.
If you have a student who can’t seem to appreciate when he or she has done really well and is always looking for how they could have done better, take note of this. Weigh it up against other things you notice about this child.
2. Desperate fear of calling home
If there was any need for my teacher to call home, I was terrified at what the consequences would be. Of course, this drove my perfectionist attitude as any comments from school that did not include me being the best meant I was going to get it when I got home.
The punishment was not going to fit the crime, so I couldn’t take the chance. Teachers may have noticed an over reaction at the prospect of home being contacted. Since I rarely needed a phone call home, this was an easy one for teachers to miss.
(See my example further below for an obvious case to cause alarm).
If you notice any of your students cowering at the notion that you would contact home, it’s time to take notice. Especially if you plan to contact home with positive comments yet are still getting a negative reaction from the student.
3. An odd fixation
When I was a kid, I wanted my hair long, but my abuser hated my hair in my face. As such, I had to wear two hair clips or a headband every day, without exception.
One day, one clip broke at school, causing me to have to return home with only one remaining clip. I had desperately attempted to have that one clip hold all my hair.
It failed and I was punished by him holding my back under the hot water from the kitchen faucet.
Teachers may have noticed my obsession over the care for my hair clips, and again, my over reaction when one broke. It could have been written off as an obsession, a weird quirk, or even attention seeking.
If you have a student who seems to be especially concerned over the care of their belongings, it may be because of the fear of the punishment they will receive if anything happens to those items.
Yes, it may simply be a sense of pride in themselves and in what they own, which is why you’ll want to weigh this up with other things you’ve noticed.
4. A negative verbal mantra
While many people have negative things they will say to themselves when things don’t go well, this needs to be learned. When a child does it, they have learned this type of language in reflection of their own abilities somewhere.
In my case, my abuser told me on a daily basis that I was ugly, useless, worthless, stupid, and would never be loved. This became my mantra I played on a recurring loop in my head.
It was my reasoning for why I put in full effort but didn’t get the results I wanted – why would I? I was ugly, useless, worthless, stupid, and nobody was ever going to love me.
Teachers may have noticed this type of self-talk, which was a clear exaggeration. It could have been written off as just a negative attitude, or a form of attention seeking.
If you teach teenagers, then yes they most certainly will be able draw upon past experiences when something positive, or negative, is happening.
Therefore, it’s completely possible that they have put in effort in the past and not succeeded, and so feel they cannot do this task now.
However, it’s also possible that they are projecting the words of another onto the situation, especially if they are very young.
So, if you have a student who is constantly putting themselves down, take notice. Like everything else, use your judgement and the relationship you’ve built with this student to gauge if further notice should be taken.
5. Not wanting to go home
I tried to be as involved in after school activities as I could at an early age. Running track and field would leave me hunched over a toilet throwing up after exerting myself this way.
Surely that was better than what waited for me at home. I needed to get home when my Mum would be there, as I’d be safer then, and she didn’t get home until later.
Teacher’s may have noticed my desire to be involved in after school activities that were not really the best fit for me. This could have easily been written off as a keen student wanting to be involved.
If you have a student who seems desperate to find reasons to stay at school longer, especially when they are doing so through activities that just don’t seem to be a match for them, then it’s worth taking notice.
When in doubt, look at their behaviour
Yes, some children will have the tell-tail signs of physical abuse, with the classic bruise patterns, etc…, but many will not.
Either their abuse is not physical, or it is deviously planned, and subsequently is not visible in an every day situation.
Look at the behaviour of the children in your classes. Changes in behaviour are a huge warning sign, but if the abuse has been going on for a long period of time, you are probably too late to see a change in behaviour. Instead, you’re looking at their behaviour. Full stop.
An Obvious Example of a Sign of Abuse
I had a student have a major break down when I told my tutor group I would be calling home if their teacher’s informed me of any cause of concern in their classes. This included not working hard, not following instructions, not completing homework, for example.
I was also clear to point out that I would call home for positive feedback as well. This included helping others, working hard, staying focused, asking interesting questions, for example.
I was just letting them know I was the first point of contact for both home and teachers, and I would keep both thoroughly informed.
This 11 year old boy had a melt down. He immediately began crying, insisting I couldn’t call home. I tried to reassure him that I wasn’t calling home unless there was any need. He was not, nor did I believe he ever would be, giving me a reason to call home for anything negative.
He couldn’t hear what I was saying. Even when his classmates chimed in to reassure him, he was inconsolable. Once he was settled, I immediately filled out the paperwork and personally handed it to the child protection officer at the school.
To me, that was a clear indication that the punishment at home might not be fitting the crime in school. I may have been wrong, but why chance it?
Building Relationships
The focus in Teacher’s College in Canada is to build relationships with your students. I think this is key for spotting any signs in these types of abuse cases.
When you really get to know your students, you are much more likely to hear it when they verbalise their inner mantra. You’ll see their perfectionist ways, notice their obsessions, and that their involvement in after school activities seems to not quite fit with their passions or talents.
Overall, keep doing what you are doing! If you are a teacher, you are a kind, compassionate, caring individual who wants to make a difference in the lives of children. Keep focused on that, and trust your gut.
Lisa Cybaniak is a Motivational Speaker and NLP Coach who empowers women to overcome their self-limiting beliefs to build a life they deserve. To see how Lisa can help you process your unique journey and transform your life to one of meaning, love and ultimate happiness, visit her website. You deserve it!
New here? I write about overcoming child abuse, impostor syndrome and
self-limiting beliefs. Here are some more blog posts that may help you overcome your past to build the life you deserve:
Why you Keep Attracting the Wrong Partner
Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life in 4 Steps
12 Positive Intentions to become a Survivor
Forget Failure, What if you Succeed?
Yoga: Connecting Mind & Body after Abuse
Understanding the Mind of an Abuse Survivor
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