We’ve all been there. You meet someone who seems like a great catch.
“Finally!”, you say to yourself.
It’s been a long haul to get here. Up until now, you just couldn’t seem to catch a break. For some reason, you just had a knack for picking Mr. Wrong.
You’d put in 100% while, in contrast, he put you last on his priority list. You’d be let down, lied to, and even cheated on. Each time you’d wonder why these losers all seem to be attracted to you.
“Is there something wrong with me?”
This question might as well be playing on continuous loop at this point. Due to this pattern you’re stuck in, you eventually convince yourself that it must be that there are no good guys left in the world.
However, that’s all behind you now because you’ve just landed Mr. Right, right? Because you’ve just had a wonderful afternoon with him, you know in your heart of hearts…
What? Oh no, not him too!
Yep, before long you realise that the honeymoon period of your relationship is over and his true colours are showing loud and bright.
Hence, the cycle isn’t over. You’ve repeated the pattern again. How is this even possible?
Your Beliefs Matter
So, I’m going to be really honest here, and it may sting, a lot.
The common denominator here is you.
You’ve found yourself in enough bad relationships now to realise there is a problem. I’m here to tell you that it’s not that there are no good guys left in the world.
Above all else, this isn’t happening because you’re not good enough, pretty enough or smart enough to attract Mr. Right either.
Even more so, it’s not happening because you’re not deserving of a wonderful relationship where you feel cherished, honoured, respected and loved.
So what IS the problem then?
Above all, what I’m saying is YOU don’t believe you are good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, or deserving of real love.
And that is causing you to be attracted to the wrong guys – the ones who are not ready for a healthy relationship.
Therefore, they see you coming a mile away and run as fast as they can towards you. Deep down they know they won’t have to worry about something serious, despite the words coming out of your mouth.
Attracting the Wrong Partner
So, how do I know this?
Because I was you.
After surviving 10-years of child abuse where, among other things, I was told I was ugly, stupid, worthless and useless, those words became my truth.
Consequently, long after finding safety I continued that mantra in my head every second of every day.
Guess what that did to my ability to choose the right partner?
That’s right, it tore it to shreds while stomping it into the ground with my boot full of dog poo.
Who doesn’t fall for a bad boy?
Because of this mantra in my head, I was all about dating the bad boys.
Besides believing that I didn’t deserve any better, I was desperate to find my value in the eyes of others.
Since someone showing me my value was in contrast with the narrative in my mind, I couldn’t allow myself to accept it.
Therefore, dating a good man who treated me well and loved me fully was a dream that I couldn’t allow myself to fulfil.
So, my pattern was to choose the bad boy, time and time again. Because I truly thought that if someone who was not capable or willing to love me, actually fell in love with me, THEN I would have value.
Only then would I allow myself a glimpse at the possibility that I was worth loving.
Are you noticing the irony here?
Of course, the very choice I was making in partners guaranteed I would never see that glimpse.
Consequently, each time they treated me poorly, put me last, lied to me and cheated on me, I felt used and broken – right where my unconscious mind had learned I should be.
I wasn’t attracting these men into my life because I deserved this treatment. I was attracting them because I truly believed I deserved this treatment.
You can’t love anyone else until you love yourself
Above all, you won’t allow anyone to love you if you don’t first love yourself. Or as I like to say,
“Until you believe you deserve better, you won’t seek better.”
Thankfully, I’ve figured out my pattern – phew! As a result, I found my way out of this mess by replacing those self-limiting beliefs about my worth. I now empower other women to do the same.
3 Tips to Attract Mr. Right
So, where do you go from here?
First of all, you’re probably doing one of two things:
- Screaming obscenities at this blog, telling your device all the reasons why I am wrong, or
- You’ve got a niggle in your head that’s thinking, “crap, she’s right.”
So, the great news is, if I could pull myself out of this same type of pattern after my abusive background, you can too!
Here are the steps you can take:
Step One: What exactly do you believe?
First of all, to make any progress, you need to be willing to acknowledge that you have some self-limiting beliefs in regards to what you deserve in a relationship. Essentially, we aren’t going to get anywhere until you first figure that one out.
Think big
Often times the beliefs we have so fully entrenched in our unconscious minds certainly didn’t start out the way we think.
For example, you likely didn’t start believing you don’t deserve to be loved because of your first boyfriend and whatever mess happened there.
No, it’s likely your self-limiting beliefs are about you in general, not just in matters of the heart.
So, make a list of all the things you tell yourself when you’re not paying attention – that’s right, you’re going to have to pay attention this time!
Step Two: Challenging those beliefs
So, now that you have a list of self-limiting beliefs that are getting in the way of you living the life you deserve to be living, with the man of your dreams, let’s get to work sorting them out.
Let’s take a real close look at each belief and look for the hard and fast evidence to support them. I’m not talking about the evidence you chose to see in each moment.
Your beliefs determine your experience
Because of your belief, you started to interpret your world differently than the person next to you.
Hence, you chose to see evidence that you weren’t good enough, because that’s what you needed to see to match your internal thoughts.
So, what’s the reality?
Did my abuser choose to abuse me because I was a bad child who deserved to be punished with hateful words and fists of fury?
Almost certainly there isn’t a person alive who would suggest that, because most people would believe wholeheartedly that a child is innocent.
For me, the reality was that I was there. My abuser was meeting a need for himself, and I happened to be there, available for him to hurt in order to make himself feel good in some way.
Similarly, with that knowledge, I can use the same rationality in all my other life experiences.
Am I ugly?
Did those dead-beat guys treat me like crap because I was ugly? No! Similarly, they did it because they could. I had such self-destructive beliefs that I attracted them to me like flies to poop.
You see, one doesn’t have to mean the other.
Hence, just because they treated me poorly doesn’t mean it was because I deserved that treatment, or that I was ugly. Similarly, my abuser causing chaos in my home had nothing to do with what I looked like, or what I deserved as a child.
We are all just trying meet our needs
Ultimately, people treat people the way they have learned to treat people, and they do it so they can get what they want.
Moral of the story? It’s not about you, it’s about them! You were just there, fuelled by your self-limiting beliefs, which drew you in towards the poop.
Step Three: Replacing your beliefs
Great, so now what?
You’ve made your list and you’ve gone through and reframed how you think about your experiences that you once deemed were evidence to support your beliefs.
Finally, it’s time now to replace those self-limiting beliefs with some self-empowering ones!
Let’s build your confidence!
So, there’s no sense leaving a big gaping hole where that old nasty belief was, is there?
Seems like we might as well shove something positive in there that will help you build your confidence, fall in love with yourself, raise your self-esteem, and even attract Mr. Right!
After all, that is the whole point of this blog, right?
Because unveiling your new and improved beliefs might be tricky at first, here’s a meditation that can help you have a conversation with your unconscious mind or Higher Self. This can help you choose replacement beliefs that empower you:
Using NLP
(Neuro Linguistic Programming)
Finally, now that the light bulb is flickering with great intensity at your new-found understanding about how you are holding yourself back in your love life, and perhaps beyond, you may decide you are serious about sorting this issue out once and for all.
Having support, guidance and the proper tools in place when working on deeply engrained beliefs is life-changing.
Working with the unconscious mind
Most noteworthy, as you might have guessed, the bulk of the issues with beliefs, patterns of thinking, and how you are interpreting the world around you, are unconscious.
As a result, the most effective way to shift your mindset, re-frame your programming, and replace those beliefs, is through working with your unconscious mind.
You don’t have to do it alone!
Above all, that’s exactly what a qualified NLP practitioner does, through conversation and specific activities designed to help for your individual needs.
Therefore, NLP empowers you to make the serious changes you are so desperate for in your life, but don’t quite know how to make.
Check out my video outlining more about NLP and how our brains work:
Because NLP and our unconscious minds are so fascinating, if you liked this blog, you’ll love my new mini course: Becoming Fulfilled and Satisfied in Your Life!
What you’ll love even more is the great value for money this course offers. With 3 videos, a downloadable workbook, and two meditations for only £7.20, this is an absolute steal!
So, if you’re interested in dipping your toe in the waters of self-development so you can transform the areas of your life that are weighing you down, register now. Your new life begins today!
Lisa Cybaniak is a Motivational Speaker and NLP Coach who empowers women to overcome their self-limiting beliefs to build a life they deserve. To see how Lisa can help you process your unique journey and transform your life to one of meaning, love and ultimate happiness, visit her website. You deserve it!
New here? I write about overcoming child abuse, impostor syndrome and self-limiting beliefs. Here are some more blog posts that may help you overcome your past to build the life you deserve:
Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life in 4 Steps
12 Positive Intentions to become a Survivor
Forget Failure, What if you Succeed?
Yoga: Connecting Mind & Body after Abuse
Understanding the Mind of an Abuse Survivor
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