At first, I survived child abuse. I made it through it still alive, technically. However, I did not want to be a survivor of child abuse, I wanted to thrive. I wanted to show my abuser, and myself, that I could have a wonderful life despite his efforts to destroy me.
Survivors of Child Abuse
When someone lives through child abuse, it affects every single aspect of their life. Child abuse takes on many different forms, and in my opinion, no form affects the victim any less than any other form. In my case, I lived through physical, sexual, and psychological abuse at the hands of my now ex-step father for 10 years of my childhood. I did survive it, but for a very long time, the only sign of my survival was the fact I was still alive. That is until I realized there was a difference between ‘surviving’ and ‘thriving’. I hope my journey helps you to understand the journey of others, and/or helps you to find your path to recovery.
Surviving the physical abuse
He hit me, again and again. But he didn’t just hit me anywhere. My now ex-step father knew what he was doing. He knew if he was to continue with the abuse, he would need, as always, to hit in places where no one would see the bruises. Never the face, that was the first rule. He wasn’t just someone who lost control of his anger, he was a methodical, sadistic abuser.
The ‘rules’
Of course, there were exceptions to his rule. Like the time he was so angry that I had let the dog out into the backyard after school and he had barked to come back inside. The bark woke him from his nap which infuriated him so that he temporarily forgot not only this first rule of no face hitting, but also his second: no hitting in front of other people, unless it looked like play-fighting.
Exceptions to ‘the rules’
My friend was over this time. He didn’t seem to notice as he grabbed a cloth from the bathroom, wet it and used it to whip me. I fell into my stereo system that day, cutting my chin open. He easily explained that one off as my clumsiness while I was playing in my room. My friend? Well she was too scared to say anything. Just what he was counting on.
My reality
This was my childhood, from the age of 2 until 12. When people were over, or mom was in the room, he looked caring, with me sitting on his lap. No one could hear or see what he was doing.
His words were threatening as he whispered into my ear, his grip on my arm hard, twisting it in an uncomfortable way, enough for me to know he could snap it like a twig.
Of course, I was at my most vulnerable when we were alone in the house. That is when I’d be thrown down the stairs, or across the room. That’s when he would train me on where to punch, how to punch, how to block his punches. Sounds innocent enough on the surface, but he was training me so I was a little more of a challenge during our ‘matches’. I remember training as young as 6. It didn’t save me from being held under hot water, but it was fun for him.
Surviving the sexual abuse
As bad as this was, it wasn’t the worst of it. When I was 9 years old, I remember waking up to him kneeling down beside me whilst I slept, a flashlight in his hand, touching me. Over the next 3 years he would come into my room at night many times, slowly allowing me to learn of his tactics. He would tickle the soles of my feet to see if I were asleep. If I stirred, he moved on for the night. If not, well, then he would stay.
The first time
I will never forget that first time I awoke to the sexual abuse. I will spare you the details, but it made me want to vomit. I was devastated. After he left my room, I sat up and cried my eyes out for what seemed like hours. I begged God to turn back the clock so it wouldn’t have happened. I waited for what I thought was enough time for him to go back to sleep, and then I snuck into the bathroom to clean myself. I wanted the feeling of his touch off of my skin.
Betrayal
This man was always someone evil in my life, but he was my step-dad. I called him Dad. He was supposed to protect me from people like him. As much as I loathed him, the realisation that I had to fear him not only in the day, but now at night as well, broke me. I wasn’t safe anywhere, at any time. In my most vulnerable state, instead of using my dreams to escape, I now had to prepare to be attacked whilst I slept.
Trying to save myself
That is what I desperately attempted to do. Each night I would wrap myself in my comforter, rolling myself into it like a piece of sushi. I would place myself in the centre of my bed in hopes it would be too difficult for him to reach me. It never was. Somehow, while my body betrayed me and slept, I was unrolled from my sushi comforter, brought right to the edge of my bed, and undressed.
Right from wrong
As traumatic as the physical and sexual abuse were, and as long as it took me to learn how to properly deal with frustration and anxiety, etc., I always knew it wasn’t right. I knew other people were not treated that way, and that I shouldn’t myself treat people in that way. As a result of the abuse, I didn’t know how to acceptably react when I was upset. It took a few years during my teens to adjust to remaining calm and respectful during disagreements.
Surviving the psychological abuse
The hardest and longest challenge in my recovery, by far, has been from the 10 years of emotional/psychological abuse. During this time, he told me every single day of my life, that I was ugly, stupid, useless, worthless, and nobody was ever going to love me. That would bring the strongest of people down, but I wasn’t strong. I was two years old. Then I was 3, then 4… I grew up with my self-image in tatters. That has taken decades of hard work to rebound from.
As much as I knew others should not be treated this way, I thought that I deserved it; that there was something wrong with me. This reinforced the mantra going on in my head of being ugly, stupid, useless and worthless, which created a toxic mix that seemed impossible to get over.
Going unnoticed
How could nobody have noticed all this, you ask? Well, as I said in the beginning of this article, many abusers are not simply having difficulty dealing with their anger, taking their rage out on others, hitting at random in places that leave marks. Many abusers are far more sadistic.
My teachers would probably have seen some of the hidden signs of my abuse, if they knew what to look for. Unfortunately, now as a teacher myself, I know first-hand that the safe guarding training teachers take annually focuses more on the common signs of abuse, rather than the far subtler signs.
The Teen Years
As you can probably imagine, I was a negative, self-loathing teenager. It didn’t help that I had a couple of bullies that felt it was their duty to ensure I understood my place in the world, like I needed any help with that.
Each boy that was interested in me for my looks, especially my body, just reinforced this useless ‘thing’ mentality I had about myself. I thought if I could prove my now ex-step father wrong, that that would mean I was good enough – I was pretty, intelligent, useful and worth something.
I was looking for someone else to show me my value
The problem with this was that I was looking for someone else to show me my worth, that I was lovable, smart, pretty and worth being around. So each time a relationship or friendship would end, I wouldn’t just take it personally, it would be a direct reflection of my ex-step father being right.
I was a Victim
Living the life of a victim was difficult, emotional, and traumatic. It meant I relived my traumas over and over again. It meant that neither my friends and family, nor I, knew how I would react to any situation. I played the ‘poor me’ card on many an occasion.
Most of these times were internal. After all, I had that record playing constantly on repeat in my head. The one that repeated his words – ‘You’re an ugly, stupid, waste of space that nobody will ever love’. When I had hoped for a different result to a situation, I would chastise myself for allowing myself to think I deserved that positive outcome I had dreamt about.
I really and truly thought that when someone treated me poorly, they were planning this ‘attack’. They sat up all night diabolically contemplating how to hurt me the most. I thought the world was against me, because ultimately, I was against myself.
Waking Up
One day everything changed. I woke up. For some inexplicable reason, one day I woke up and saw myself for who I was… a victim. I took a really hard look at myself and realized that I was responsible for all of it.
Of course, I wasn’t responsible for the abuse, nobody ever is, but I was in control of how I chose to deal with it. And I wasn’t dealing with it very well at all. I was letting myself relive it over and over again. It defined me. I was a complete victim.
In that moment, I realized there was nothing I could do about the past, but I had complete control over my present. I was a victim when I was a child, but I had survived. I had SURVIVED.
Everything changed in that moment. I became a SURVIVOR. And, whether or not you can relate to my experience, if you are a victim of trauma, you too can turn it around and become a survivor.
Pride in my journey
My journey was long and arduous, and I am proud of that. The time it took me to realise I needed to change, needed to take charge of my life and make the changes I needed to survive well, was filled with all kinds of experiences that I now look at with pride. I learned, I grew, and eventually I gave myself permission to accept myself, flaws and all. This was the basis for learning to love myself.
Yes, I stumbled. Yes, I down-right fell on my face. But here is what else I did: I not only survived, I thrived.
In my decision to ‘come out’ as an adult survivor of child abuse, I try to defuse the stigma of being the victim of abuse, to shed light on the fact that these children grow up to be adults. As adults, we do not magically become ‘better’, suddenly able to just walk away from the past. We bring our experiences to the table every day, in our personal and professional lives. We deserve help and support with this process.
Becoming a Survivor
These are a few of the things I did then, and many that I continue to do today, that work for me. It’s not an exhaustive list, because I didn’t think to write these things down over my journey! It’s been 20 years since I started to learn to love myself, and no doubt I have forgotten some things!
Everyone deals with things in their own way and in their own time. It stands to reason then that what worked for me might not work for you. Therapy, for example, is something I tried many times, and while it helped with some things, it did not help me to become a survivor. For someone else, therapy will be exactly what they need.
1. Learn how to love yourself:
This is the age-old passage, isn’t it? ‘Before anyone else can love you, you have to love yourself’, or some such thing. It is true! For me, this came after figuring out how to respect myself, which came after spending some time recounting all the things I had encountered in my life, especially the abuse.
I reminded myself with each memory that I had survived it. Many times it was not pretty, but I came through every single time, learning and growing with each event. I was struggling, but I was alive, healthy, safe, and moving forward. That deserves respect.
Life can be difficult, and it is relative – what one-person finds life altering, another will sail through without issue. I survived all the events in my life that felt like the end of my world at the time, and became a stronger person as a result. I can be proud of that! Learn to find your personal purpose after abuse in 3 simple steps with my free guide.
2. Reconnecting mind and body:
During the years of my abuse, I detached myself from my body. My body went through the experience while my mind tried not to. My body was just a thing, but my mind, that was precious. I became numb, out of choice. It was far easier that way. I felt the pain of being hit, or thrown down the stairs, or held under hot water, but I was detached from it. It is difficult to explain to others, because you are still there in the moment, yet you do not allow your mind to communicate with your body.
On my path to recovery, I clearly needed to reattach myself, to become whole again. I read a lot of self-help books and focused considerably on the mental and psychological needs I had. This was so essential to my well-being, but for me to become the strong woman I am today, I needed the re-connection with my body. I needed to operate as one being.
Eventually I found my way to a yoga class. Yoga is an amazing therapy. It is not just a form of exercise, but a rite of passage. It can be calming and soothing, while being incredibly challenging. More importantly, it retrains your focus back onto yourself, grounding and uplifting you. This is so important for most of us, but even more so for survivors of abuse. Yoga allows me to gain clarity, become calm, feel my strength and my limitations, and accept each. For me, yoga supports my physical-mental connection, facilitating my healing and reformation.
3. Face it head-on:
The hardest part by far was this step. I needed to face what had happened, and let it go. That doesn’t mean I have forgotten about it, or just don’t speak to anyone about it (out of sight out of mind style). It means I had to really appreciate the facts: I was a child and this was out of my control. I did not deserve this and there was nothing I could have done to entice it or prevent it.
And, going hand in hand with step 1, I again looked at the survival tricks I learned and implemented for myself to minimize the trauma over the 10 years. I was a strong fighter. And yes, while I did struggle in my teen years, I stayed away from all the coping mechanisms that could have seemed to help at the time, but really make things so much worse later on. I had been a strong little fighter then too. And now here I was in my early twenties, dealing with it once and for all. I was still a strong fighter! Respect, with a capital R!
4. The hard look:
Step back and look at yourself. Really. Put yourself in someone else’s shoes. How would they describe you? Do they think you are strong, calm, cool, and collected, or do you fly off the handle and over react? This is not so you can please others, quite the opposite. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks of you, but you. This is an exercise in truly seeing yourself.
When I did this, I saw a victim; an emotional wreck who could find something negative to say about a beautiful sun shining day. I also saw someone who was afraid of success. I didn’t actually know how to deal with success since I had spent so much time expecting failure. As strange as this sounds, failure was comfortable. Ultimately, I was afraid that I couldn’t handle it if I aimed for success and failed, so I was sabotaging myself in little ways to ensure that did not happen.
That is not the person I wanted to be. I didn’t want to live my life that way, always bringing myself down, always preparing for failure.
I was ready to take responsibility for my own actions, to realize the control I had over my thoughts, actions and reactions. I was ready to stop the negativity. I made a decision right then and there to become the person I wanted to be, one with a positive ‘can-do’ attitude, one who allows herself to succeed.
5. Redefine yourself:
Now that you’ve seen your true self, it’s decision time. Will you continue on this path, or is it time for a new one? Only you can answer this question, just like only you can do anything different and change.
If you did not like what you saw when you looked in the mirror in step 4, what are you going to do about it? If you are negative, treating yourself poorly, showing a lack of respect for yourself, are you ready to stop it and start living the life you deserve?
If so, then it starts here and now, with this decision, in this moment. Choose better – choose your thoughts, your reactions to the actions of others, your internal dialogue, your view on life – your life – wisely. Choose better for yourself.
See the world through the eyes of the person you want to be, the person you deserve to be. The way you will do that will be different for each person, but it begins with this decision. Well done!
6. Using positive intentions:
You’ve decided to make some important changes – amazing! Now how? Do you magically wake up tomorrow morning suddenly able to be positive in any situation? No, probably not.
Positive intentions are a great and simple way to begin to shift your mentality. If you begin with one intention per day, repeating it while you get ready for your day, you can eventually branch out to find the time to meditate each day on several intentions.
A couple of my favourites I regularly seem to use are:
- I have survived my past and am proud of my accomplishments. I honour past accomplishments and recognise new ones as they occur.
- I am worthy of success and abundance.
- I surround myself with positive, supportive and loving people who mirror my own intentions.
- I allow myself to move forward today, and am open to seeing new ways to do so.
- I will remain positive today, allowing myself to flourish with positive thoughts and experiences.
Pay it Forward
I had the fortunate experience of spending the first 16 years of my career as a Registered Massage Therapist and Reiki Master. This allowed me to help others, which also helped immensely in my own transformation. Eventually I found my way into teaching and founded ‘Life, like you mean it!’ where I teach other teachers the hidden signs of child abuse, mentor survivors into thrivors, and hold motivational speeches and workshops.
You might also be able to help others, but in different ways. Paying it forward is a wonderful movement that gives the reward of putting a smile on people’s faces, for example. Making someone else feel happiness does wonders for your soul.
Move Forward
Moving forward after abuse is possible. It is a difficult, and likely a lengthy journey, but one you will never regret. You deserve to spend the time on yourself, because you deserve to feel true happiness. You deserve to know what inner peace feels like, and you also deserve a life filled with love. It’s never too late to start this journey, and when you do, you will find support in unexpected places. There is an entire network of men and women who are dedicated to helping themselves and others through this journey. Will you be one of them?
Lisa Cybaniak is a survivor of 10 years of physical, psychological and sexual child abuse. She is a motivational speaker and blogger, helping shed the stigma of being abused. She is the founder of Lifelikeyoumeanit.com, dedicated to helping survivors of abuse survive well, having the life they deserve.
Contact Lisa to book her to speak at your event, or to see how she can help you process your unique journey, and transform your life to one of meaning, love and ultimate happiness. You deserve it.
