Surrender Control

by Lisa Cybaniak

Trying to control things that are out of your control only leads to a feeling of being out of control. Learning to surrender control is a game-changer. Listen here!

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Do you know how to surrender control? Most people don’t have a clue. I know I didn’t. In fact, in my youth I wasted so much time and energy attempting to control everything around me.

And do you know what trying to control things did to my anxiety and lack of confidence? You guessed it. That’s not a winning combination: Anxiety, limited confidence and trying to control the uncontrollable.

You see, that’s where the problem lies. Because in truth, there’s a lot we can control, and should for that matter. Our thoughts, actions and reactions, for example.

When I suggest we surrender control, I’m specifically talking about trying to control the uncontrollable. In other words, other people. Because controlling others is never going to work. We’re setting ourselves up for failure, disappointment, and possibly even worse.

The Problem with Trying to be in Control

And let’s face it, the more we try to be in control, the more out of control we feel, fuelling us to step up our controlling efforts. It’s a viscous cycle.

We feel out of control precisely because we are neglecting to control the things we have control over – ourselves.

I mean, I see how and why it happens. So much of our life seems to revolve around other people’s choices – how they choose to act. For example, if we want a job promotion, we can work hard to show we are ready for the added responsibility, apply for the job and then put in the effort to properly prepare for the interview.

We can spend hours choosing the right power outfit, rehearsing the answers to questions we believe will be asked, and even running positive affirmations over and over in our mind to boost our confidence.

And because we do have control over how much time and effort we put into preparing for this interview and new position, this is time well spent. But it’s also time that builds up our hopes and dreams. We visualise ourselves in the new role, earning more money, feeling powerful and accepted by our peers and superiors.

Yet, because we know that the one thing we don’t have control over is the actual deciding factor as to whether or not we get this promotion, we feel anxious, out of control, vulnerable, and even fear.

How Control Impacts Confidence

Part of us doesn’t want to get our hopes up while the other part is already mentally spending the increased salary we’ll earn in the first 6 months!

Our confidence in ourselves, and perhaps in those doing the interviewing, drops and our anxiety goes through the roof. Not ideal.

Of course it’s normal to look to the future, and to get excited about something that you’re hoping for. But there’s a fine line here that most of us seem to cross regularly, and control is at the centre of that line. We need to find a way to control ourselves while surrendering control of everything that we can’t control. That’s other people, but also the outcome.

So, herein lies the question: How do you allow yourself to plan ahead, set goals and be inspired to reach them while at the same time detaching from the outcome? Surrender, that’s how.

To surrender control means you focus on what you can control and what you want while detaching from the need to know what you’ll be doing next week or even next year. In other words, you detach from the very outcome you’re aiming to achieve.

Using our job promotion example, it means that you focus on what you can control – your thoughts, what you focus on, the evidence you’ve gathered to show you’re the right candidate for the job, and the effort you put in to being prepared for this interview. Since that’s all you can control, you surrender control of the rest – or the need to control it. That means, you put your hands up knowing that you’ve done all you can do, and the outcome is out of your hands.

Surrender Control through Awareness

To do this, you first need to raise your awareness so you can recognise when you’re attempting to control others or the situation itself. This will look differently for each of you. Some may find they mull over all possible scenarios in their mind until their eyes want to bleed. While others may find they engage in conversations with people of influence within the office, trying to steer or even manipulate the interview well in advance.

It doesn’t matter how you trying to gain control shows itself. What does matter is that you notice it. You always have the ability to make a different choice, and this moment is one of those times. You can choose to knowingly continue to attempt to control this situation that is literally out of your control. Or, you could choose to acknowledge what you’re doing and make a conscious effort into shifting your efforts and energy into what you can control.

And I’m willing to bet that when you find you’re attempting to control these external factors that you’ll never succeed at controlling, you’ll discover that your mindset isn’t in the best place. They go hand in hand. Trying to control the uncontrollable only happens when you feel out of control. And that only happens when you lose awareness and give up the control you do have.

Take it back!

The Power of Self-Reflection in Surrendering Control

It’s never too late to take back your power. You have a lot of it. So, use it. Self-reflection is a wonderful way to do this. Ask yourself why you’re trying to control this situation in this way. Why aren’t you focused on what you can control – yourself? What are you saying to yourself – that inner mantra? How are you feeling? Where’s your confidence level?

And then it’s time to go deeper. What’s the worst-case scenario here? In other words, if you didn’t get the job promotion, as disappointing as that would be, would the sky fall? Perhaps that would open a different door that you don’t see right now because you’re so focused on this promotion.

What’s the best-case scenario? If you get the job promotion, does that make you a better person, worthy, accepted, powerful…? Do you need this promotion in order to feel that way?

A Growth Mindset Needs a Surrender of Control

Look at it this way. Feeling like you’re in control of exactly what you’ll be doing tomorrow or the next day, month or year, is a rigid mindset. It means that opportunities that present themselves that veer away from this control vision of yours, will likely go unnoticed. You lose fluidity, the ability to spontaneously do things or respond to your environment and experiences. That means you lose your connection to your gut instincts and to your Higher Self.

It’s literally the opposite of a growth mindset.

Planning While Surrendering

Now I know that some of you are listening to this and your anxiety is spiking at the mere thought of not planning out your entire future. Let me be clear. Having a growth mindset, focusing on controlling your thoughts, actions and reactions, and gaining clarity on what you want in life does NOT mean you need to stop planning for the future, setting goals and striving to achieve them.

It just means you surrender the need to control the outcome. And because other people are often at the centre of that outcome, it also means you need to surrender control of the choices they make.

Surrender Control through Meditation

When I first began to practise the art of surrender, it was through meditation. I still do this particular Surrender Control meditation fairly regularly. But now, because I’ve heightened my awareness surrounding this, I’m able to recognise when I’m attempting to control things outside of my control, and I surrender that control simply through this awareness.

I’ll take a deep breath and say out loud, “I surrender this to the Universe.” I picture whatever “this” is as being carried away from me on the wind, and I feel the weight of it lift off my shoulders.

It’s incredible the sense of power this brings. Acknowledging that you can’t control situations or others, AND that you are in control of yourself, is a game-changer. Before you know it, all that energy you spent trying to control everything else before, now gets channelled internally. And the awareness that you’ve worked to heighten grows as well. This time, it’s an awareness of your own thoughts and emotions.

Yes, you’ll still have lots of negative thoughts, because that just seems to be in our nature. However, you’ll spot them as soon as you attempt to repeat them to yourself and you’ll automatically address them. Why are they there? What’s triggered them? Is there a different way to look at this situation? Can I make a different choice?

Surrendering Control Leads to Better Choices

When you begin to consciously make those choices of how to speak to yourself, and view a situation, you make better choices. You see things for what they are – out of your control. And you get to decide if that’s where you’d like your focus to be, or not.

Most times, you’ll choose to look at things from a different perspective and choose your words to yourself differently. That will change your confidence level as well as your energy. It will feel good, which means you’ll want to do it again.

And when that begins to be your norm, you can step it up a notch by challenging yourself to go for something specific, like a job promotion, focusing only on that which you have control of, surrendering control of the rest, including the actual outcome. Because the empowerment that you’ve created in yourself builds your confidence level enough for you to realise that the outcome isn’t what matters. The relationship you have with yourself is. And when your relationship with yourself is strong, you’ll know you’ll thrive in any outcome.

Press play on the episode above to get all the details!

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Resources

My book, Survivor to Warrior: You can change your life, walks you through shifting your mindset, challenging your beliefs, recognising your power within, and more! Access it by searching for the title in your country. Here are the links to purchase in Canada, USA, and UK.

Voice over credit: Shari Vandermolen. Shari is offering a free download of one of her songs to the fans of the Life Like You Mean It podcast! Just visit www.GiftFromShari.com and tell her where to send it. Shari’s debut album is available for streaming on all the major platforms including Spotify and iTunes.

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