Emotional abuse, and it’s subsequent effects, is difficult to explain. It is something that lives with you, within you, for a lifetime. When I decided to share my abuse story, I hoped it would make a difference. I want to help people survive their experiences well. I want to break the silence and stigma of being abused. I collaborate with others as well, so that they can share their stories of different forms of abuse, for example, domestic violence.

I have heard from many, many people since I started this journey. All have offered either supportive encouragement, or shared their own stories of abuse and survival. One such case was a young lady named Myra from South London. Myra contacted me after following my blog for several months. The blog that moved her the most had nothing to do with abuse – it was a blog about my mother. In it, I wrote about how my mom gives for the sake of giving. For my entire life, she has gone out of her way to help others, expecting absolutely nothing in return. Many times she even gives anonymously. This is what struck a nerve in Myra because of how different her mother is.

Myra’s Story:

I just read Lisa’s blog about her mum, wishing that mine could be more like Lisa’s: giving for the sake of giving and not for getting something in return. I wish I could say the same, because I grew up feeling guilty to be here, which of course, wasn’t my own choice. My mother probably made some poor decisions in her young life, but I am surely not responsible for that.

Not-so-normal life

The money was tight in our family, but we kids didn’t even demand too much since we knew that we couldn’t afford it anyway. I didn’t want to make any trouble, tried to behave, and be the best at school. But I never got any credit for that. It was always somebody else’s kids, who were so nice and beautiful.

There was no hugging or “I love you” notes. But actually we didn’t even expect that, since we didn’t know that this should be part of a normal mother-child relationship. All this I realised later on once I became an adult myself. And since she “had to sacrifice her own life for us”, we all left home as soon as we finished school, hoping that she could finally enjoy life on her own.

Paying back mother

Giving for the sake of giving and not for getting something in return? I never saw this growing up. Instead, my siblings and I felt guilty for the ‘heavy burden’ we were to our mother. She had us working young in order to give back to her, since it was our duty to help her in hopes she could have a better life than what we offered her. This attitude continues today.

It is still someone else’s kids, who are so successful in THEIR lives and THEIR parents can be so proud of them. She is obviously not proud of us. She still allows herself to criticise us, our lives and our choices, which has inevitably led to many conflicts in the family.

Coping

Lisa’s blog is about surviving, so how do we cope with all this? We all have our different ways. I decided to be this “nice child”, who despite everything, would like to stay in contact with her, even if it is sometimes hard with all her negative comments. My siblings didn’t want her to make them feel like a bad person anymore and broke off contact with her, as self-defence. Sometimes there are no other options.

I would like to end this with something positive, but the real life is not a Hollywood movie where all are hugging and loving each other at the end. Perhaps the positive is in my decision to break the silence about my experience. It is a great weight off my shoulders, and feels good to share my story with others.

And yet, I feel guilty even to write this all down. It is a taboo to say that you actually don’t like your mother as a person, because it is your ‘duty’ to get along. Perhaps this will be my struggle, to feel the courage and pride from sharing my story, mixed with the guilt for even feeling this way in the first place.

Scars that can’t be seen

Lisa writes about child abuse. This experience I write of is not about physical abuse, but emotional abuse – making me (and my siblings) feel responsible for our mother’s own misery. There is no doubt that physical abuse is terrible, but for those that have experienced emotional abuse, the pain is just as real. I have scars that people cannot see. They are deep inside me, always affecting my relationships with others, and even myself.

 

Lisa’s Response:

Myra, thank you so much for the courage and bravery it took for you to share your story. I’d also like to thank you for reminding me that sometimes you help people in unexpected ways, and you should just ‘trust’. I had felt guilty for writing the blog about how kind and giving my mother is, not because she is not, but because it was the first and only blog I have written that did not include anything about abuse. I thought I was going against my mission to shed the stigma and break the silence of abuse by taking the time to write something that wouldn’t help anybody.

Oh, the irony!

I did it anyway because it made me feel good. That in itself came with some guilt! But then you contacted me, because this was the blog that moved you the most. It triggered something in you because it was so different from your experience. You had read the other blogs, following my work for some time, but felt moved enough to reach out after reading the one blog I thought wouldn’t help anyone. The irony!

Motherly love

My story is one of abuse by a male, my now ex step-father. I had a loving mother whom I could count on. Without realising any of what was going on with my abuse, she told me and showed me how much I meant to her every single day, and continues to to this day. After reading your story, Myra, I find myself wondering what my life would be like without her support. I cannot fathom it. I have survived a great trauma, so I know what I am made of. I know I am strong, a survivor. My mother has a great deal to do with this, and it saddens me greatly that your experience does not mirror mine.

Helping others helps you heal

Abuse takes many forms folks, and can be done by anyone at any point in your life. When it is done by someone who is more-or-less ‘contracted’ to love you, the effects are far more devastating than anyone can imagine. Your words will no doubt help many people – people who will be able to relate to your story. Myra, you have no idea how many people your words will reach, or how many you will help. I suspect the first person to be helped is you! Thank you!

Here is the blog that triggered Myra to reach out.

If you would like to share your story, please contact me at [email protected].

 

Lisa Cybaniak is a survivor of 10 years of physical, psychological and sexual child abuse. She is a motivational speaker and blogger, helping shed the stigma of being abused. She is the founder of Life, like you mean it!, dedicated to helping survivors of abuse survive well, having the life they deserve.

Book a complimentary call with Lisa to see how she can help you process your unique journey, and transform your life to one of meaning, love and ultimate happiness. You deserve it.