The movement
Recently, many women have come forward to share their stories of being propositioned, touched inappropriately, and even raped by high ranking film producer Harvey Weinstein. This caused film actress Alyssa Milano to begin a movement amongst women. She asked them to speak out with #MeToo if they have experienced any type of sexual harassment in their lifetime. It didn’t take long for men to join in the movement, as sexual harassment is not an issue just for females.
Revelations
The results have been very shocking, to some. Many thousands of people have responded #MeToo, some even sharing their stories to social media. Some of us knew immediately that the number of affected people all across the globe would likely be in the millions.
What is far more shocking for me is that at the beginning of the #MeToo movement, some people thought this did not apply to them. That is, until they began reading stories from others with experiences of cat-calling, lewd propositions on the street, and groping incidents at clubs and bars. This caused them to have a shocking revelation: They have been victims of sexual harassment and even assault, and they pushed it aside as just being a ‘normal’ part of life. They had learned, very likely as children, that this was NORMAL and EXPECTED.
Normal or Typical?
Let me make myself clear. Just because it happens to nearly every woman on the planet every single day, does NOT make it normal. There is a vast difference between ‘normal’ and ‘typical’. It’s ‘typical’ for a person in their 40’s to experience occasional back ache. That does not make it ‘normal’. This implies that the back ache is not a sign of something gone amiss. The back ache is in fact a warning that the muscles are having some sort of problem, no matter how small that may be. In my humble opinion, not understanding this crucial difference is where we are constantly going wrong in our society.
#MeToo
Unfortunately, I have many stories I could share, and if you follow my blog (see bottom of the page) you’ll have read my story. For this entry, I will stick with examples outside my abusive childhood home.
As a pre-teen in the ’80s, it was a regular nuisance to have men cat-call me as I walked down the street. My earliest memories are from being as young as 13, having to deal with boys treating me like I was their possession. I remember learning how to hold my keys in my hand so I could use them as a weapon if I were to be attacked on the street – something I still do, instinctively.
Learning how to learn to dress ‘appropriately’ so as to not invite unwanted attention, to avoid certain streets, and never to walk alone, was ‘normal’. I also had to learn not to be out after dark, and to check the back seat of my car before entering. My personal favourite (she says with heavy sarcasm), wearing shorts under my skirt when heading out to the club.
Twenty years on…
Recently I heard a series of stories on BBC Radio One of other young women describing the same thing, now some 20 years after my experience. Women STILL are wearing shorts or leggings under their skirts to go out to the club or bar to act as a second layer of protection. Protection from what? Well, don’t you know?
When you wear a skirt to a club/bar, you are clearly saying you would like some random man to put his hand up your skirt, right? The shorts or leggings are the safety net. When someone shoves his hand up your skirt, at least he won’t touch skin. He’ll still grab at your private parts, and you’ll still be shocked and angry, but you will at least have protected your skin.
Why wear the skirt?
Why did she wear the skirt then? BECAUSE SHE CAN! Tell me, why are victims of harassment, and full on assault, expected to change what they wear, where they go, travel in groups, etc…? Yes, I know, to be safe. But that is the problem, isn’t it?
In teaching us how to be safe, we are subsequently teaching ourselves what is normal and expected behaviour. When I was clubbing, you’re damn right I still wore a skirt. Not to invite the unwanted hands or attention, but as my way of taking a stance against this ridiculousness.
Rape culture
I grew up in a rape culture, and now 43 years in, the realisation that nothing has changed, disgusts me. A friend messaged me the other day with her #MeToo story. She is in her 50’s and was walking her dog in a park along some trees when a man approached her and asked for sex. Of course, she was stunned, and luckily, escaped unharmed. When she phoned the police about the incident, she was told that as a woman, she should not walk her dog in a park along the trees.
WHAT???? I get it – the police are trying to help her to stay safe whilst they do their best to catch this predator before he hurts someone. But come on! Whilst he walks free to roam around any place of his choosing, a lady in her 50’s has to walk her dog along a street rather than in the park?!
Take a stand!
Isn’t this what we’ve been doing all along? Wearing the ‘appropriate’ clothes, walking in groups, staying in after dark, checking our cars? We walk with our keys in hand, and wear shorts/leggings under our skirts!? These are just the tip of the ice berg as examples of what girls and women do every single day without even realising they are doing it, or why. And this is exactly why we still live in a rape culture.
Stand up people! Men and women alike, stand up! Teach our children, whether boys or girls, that human beings are equal. Nobody has the right to touch someone without their permission. Everyone has the right to feel safe in this world. It starts with recognising these social norms and deciding they are not the version of normal that we can be proud of. Take a stand! Be the voice of change. #MeToo
Lisa Cybaniak is a survivor of 10 years of physical, psychological and sexual child abuse. She is a motivational speaker and blogger, helping shed the stigma of being abused. She is the founder of Lifelikeyoumeanit.com, dedicated to helping survivors of abuse survive well, having the life they deserve.
Contact Lisa to book her to speak at your event, or to see how she can help you process your unique journey, and transform your life to one of meaning, love and ultimate happiness. You deserve it.
I enjoyed reading your interesting standpoint on the “MeToo” experience. I agree with you, and believe that the “rape culture” is but an understatement. This is why. Since before I knew how to form full sentences as a small child, I observed how women were treated as insignificant as if they were only good for one thing, sex. There weren’t any men around unless it was the weekend or late at night from my perspective. Nevertheless, I was confused and perplexed by elementary school regarding my own sexual abuse from a toddler to eight years old. There were a few times in the fourth grade when some of my friends were actively engage in orgies, and sometime before and after that incident, I’ve observed too many sexual acts amongst small children that were disturbing to me as a child to witness. This made sex even more confusing, for I saw people utilize it as a tool. What I saw as a child cannot be described as a rape culture, but more like disturbed children. This has allowed me to reflect on the way we educate our children about the acts of sex, because truly it has lots its “spiritual passion” so-to-speak”.
By the time I became a teenager, I would not walk my own neighborhood without a weapon, and as a matter of fact, I was encouraged too, even carried mase for years on my key ring.
I am so sorry to hear of your experiences, but am not surprised at the same time. Especially about walking around with a weapon to defend yourself. I am glad this article resonates with you, although in many ways I wish it didn’t resonate with anyone, at all! Times have changed, but too slowly for my liking. I wish you the very best. If you ever want to talk about I can help, please reach out.
Hello Lisa
You seem like a very genuine person and I believe that you have good intentions, but it helps to do some research before you post these articles.
It was Tarana Burke who started the MeeToo movement, in 2006, her focus was mainly young African American women suffering from sexual abuse.
Alyssa Milano took it to the next level when she tweeted about sexual abuse encouraging ALL women to come forward.
It wasn’t until the past two years that Rose McGowan lit a fire under everybody’s ass to take a stand against sexual abuse and led by example by mopping the floor with Weinstein in the court of law.
Rose took it to the next level by stating that the movement isn’t just for women, but for anyone who suffers sexual abuse.
Also, for those who are ignorant or simply unaware, rape culture means that rape is not only allowed but encouraged. We do NOT live in a rape culture, in today’s society, rape is not just wrong, but absolutely illegal!!! Stating otherwise suggests that as a society we are not making any progress. It is unfortunate, embarrassing and disgusting that in today’s society, in the 21st century, some men still gravitate towards such filthy behavior, but those animals aren’t all men, they’re not men, they are Neanderthals, civilized people do not behave like that.
Now when it comes to the movement, well… there is nothing wrong with the movement, it’s people who abuse it that create the backlash. Some people are getting caught lying or distorting facts, prosecutors are asking victims to destroy evidence, asking witnesses to collaborate fake stories, and their main objective is Money!! (Ghomeshi trial, “victims” lying under oath, Kevin Spacey trial, “accuser” pleading the 5th and destroying evidence, Weinstein, “prosecutors” attempting to collaborate fake stories and destroying evidence.
But then when a real victim comes along, someone like Sam Fazio, a woman who was actually raped, someone who doesn’t care about money, someone who has been hurt and simply wants justice, well…. we ignore them, because when enough people lie, in the end, it all starts to sound like BS.
This woman was ignored because in this society there is no shortage of gold digging whore’s who don’t care about anybody except themselves, women who coast through life on their victim status, women who have absolutely no problem throwing real victims under the bus, so long as they get paid.
Rose McGowan led by example, she was brutally forthright, and by doing so she won, if you don’t believe me, read her book “Brave”, even though I don’t agree with some of her opinions, she is painfully honest, if victims follow in her footsteps, there will be no backlash.
I know it’s not easy to be civil with your abuser, but in the end, being civil is what separates us from the animals who hurt us.
Lisa, I love your passion and courage to reach out, no doubt there are plenty of people who appreciate it, and I am so sorry that you have been hurt, but not all men are pigs, just listen to your gut feeling and stay away from the assholes….
Cheers
Hi Damian,
Thank you so much for your in-depth comment on this blog post. It does appear that I’ve offended you. Let me be very clear here, I have not and would not ever state that all men are rapists or “pigs”.
There are so many incredible people in this world, including men. If my words here touched a nerve, I apologise, but please do not assume or put words in my mouth.
It sounds to me like you have a brilliant blog, or even a book, in you somewhere! I’d love to read it!
Again, thank you for your thoughts and sharing your deep knowledge.
Hello Lisa, ok, you have not offended my at all, I apologize if I gave that impression:), that “nerve” has been touched long time ago by people who ignore the truth.
I totally appreciate what you are doing, you’re awesome!
All the best
Damian
Thanks Damian, I appreciate your kind words.