Being miserable is a bad thing, right? So how can I suggest that you are comfortably miserable? Isn’t that contradictory?
You would think, but you’d be surprised how many people will resonate with this – maybe even you!
What does ‘comfortably miserable’ mean?
When you are comfortably miserable, it means you recognise areas in your life that you are not happy with. Perhaps there are several. You might even be inclined to complain about them to someone, anyone, who will listen.
BUT you are not prepared to do anything to change it. Why? In actuality, you are comfortable in this unhappy state. Therefore, trying to move outside of this state moves you out of your comfort zone, making you feel anxiety and fear.
This causes you to make decisions to act and react in ways that will bring you right back into your comfort zone – unhappiness.
How can my comfort zone be a place of unhappiness?
At first, it sounds completely counter intuitive that a place that you feel so comfortable in would be anything other than comfortable, doesn’t it?
But consider for one moment, your internal mantra. You know, the words you say on repeat to yourself a billion times a day?
Assuming you’re like most people, then up to 70% of your thoughts are negative. That includes your thoughts about yourself. I’m talking about your thoughts and beliefs on your abilities, what you deserve, your expectations on life, and how you compare yourself to others.
But did you know that your main beliefs about yourself, the world and your place in it were formed by the age of seven?
Subsequently, as you grew up, your beliefs didn’t change with your new-found knowledge of the world and your capabilities. Instead, your unconscious mind took your experiences as evidence to back up the beliefs you already had in place.
Watch this video to learn more about how our brains process information and create our view of the world:
An example of being ‘Comfortably Miserable’
To illustrate this, I’ll use an example of a client of mine (with her permission, of course):
Mallory complains about her husband Rob to her best friend Jane, every single day. Instead of recognising that she has all the control in this situation, Mallory insists on feeling, and acting, like the victim. She complains that Rob doesn’t bring home flowers, or tell her he loves her. Jane knows this isn’t true – she’s heard Rob tell Mallory he loves her. So, what is Mallory on about?
What’s the real issue?
When we get to the heart of why Mallory feels that Rob doesn’t love her, we discover the real issue: Mallory doesn’t believe she deserves love.
So, although Rob is showing her that he loves her, and even telling her on a daily basis, Mallory is refusing to see it. Rob expressing love to Mallory doesn’t match Mallory’s view of the world and her place in it, so she rejects it. Jane sees this as Rob saying ‘I love you’, and Mallory complaining that he doesn’t bring her flowers. On the surface, it appears Mallory can only relate loving someone with the gift of flowers.
Jane suggests Mallory tell Rob she thinks the gesture of randomly bringing home flowers evidence that he was thinking of her during the day, causing her to feel loved.
Mallory is completely unwilling to have an open discussion like this with Rob. Externally, she is taking this stance because she shouldn’t have to tell him. However, internally, Mallory doesn’t believe she deserves that sign of affection, so she is unwilling to do anything that could possibly put her in a position of attaining those flowers.
The power of beliefs
When we dive deeper, we discover that Mallory has developed this deeply rooted belief that she is unworthy of being loved. Even though she allowed herself to marry a loving man, this belief is causing her to find ways to denounce his love. Rob expressing his love to Mallory pulls her out of her comfort zone.
To offset this, she pulls herself back into her comfort zone by creating criteria Rob has to meet in order to prove his love. Of course, she doesn’t tell Rob any of them, making it very unlikely that he will meet any of these random criteria. Deep down, that’s exactly what Mallory is hoping for, and needing.
She didn’t want to take Jane’s advice, set goals, or accept help with this, even from me.
That’s right. At first, Mallory was reluctant to address this with me in our NLP sessions. That’s because the very thought of making any changes in this area brought up a great deal of fear.
How does fear factor in?
While everyone will have their own specific fears surrounding the thought of change, there are a few we have in common: The unknown; Failure; Success.
The unknown
Fear of the unknown is multifaceted. For one, you are afraid of what you don’t know. What does it even look like to think, act and react differently? You’ve had these beliefs since you were seven. That’s more than enough time for them to be intertwined with your identity. So, will changing your beliefs to build your confidence, increase your self-esteem, and get out of your own way of success mean you will lose a part of you? That thought in itself is scary!
Of course, it’s incredibly common to be afraid of not knowing what to expect. Not only am I talking about the work you will have to do to unravel the pieces here, and the work to put those pieces back together, but will you even like what you see in yourself on the other side?
Failure
On the other hand, many people resist change because of a fear of failure. What if you do all the work – the same work that hundreds, even thousands of others did before you – and you don’t change? Can you even handle failure of this magnitude?
Success
At the same time as fearing failure, you can also fear success. If this is all you’ve known, then do you even have a clear vision of what success would look like, for you? And, if you are successful with this endeavour to change this area of your life, can you maintain it? Surely falling off a pebble is filled with far less consequence than falling off the peak of Mount Everest.
What do I do about being comfortably miserable?
Do you see what I mean by being comfortable in this misery now? These ‘what if’ questions that build up your anxiety and fear can be quite uncomfortable.
Add to that your beliefs that you’re not good enough, can’t do it, and don’t deserve to do it, and this place of dissatisfaction in your life doesn’t seem so bad. You could even say that you’re more comfortable in this unhappy state than you are when thinking of the challenges you would have to face to deal with this unhappiness.
So, now comes the time for a decision.
Are you comfortably miserable, or are you uncomfortable in your misery?
Comfortably miserable
Let me be clear here. If you determine that you are indeed comfortable in your misery, you should feel proud of yourself for acknowledging this! It’s only when you don’t understand why you are doing what you’re doing, and putting blame on others, that your frustration and unhappiness levels grow.
When you recognise that staying put is what you actually need right now, then you understand that you are honouring yourself by sitting in this place for a while longer. You will likely not need to express your dissatisfaction to others as much, because of your deeper understanding of what you are unhappy about, and why you are comfortable with that unhappiness. In essence, you will allow yourself to actually feel comfortable.
That doesn’t mean you’ll be complacent, because now that you’ve acknowledged it, it won’t be long before you begin to feel uncomfortable! And that’s what you’re waiting for – that’s the feeling that will drive change.
Uncomfortably miserable
When you begin to feel that your situation is causing discomfort, then you’ll be motivated to make changes. Remember that quote from Anais Nin, ‘And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom’.
You’ll know when you’ve reached this point. And you’ll see the shifts all around you too. Rather than setting goals and getting distracted or dejected before reaching them, you’ll chunk those goals so they are attainable, quickly. Those people all around you, ready to offer you support, encouragement, and even give you tools to use to help you in this process? You’ll see them and accept that help. You’ll even see the benefit in investing in yourself – spending some money on help from the right person or people.
Help on offer
When you find you are no longer comfortably miserable, and change is afoot, then it’s time to look for options.
There are so many different types of people and help they offer in regards to working on your belief patterns, confidence and self-esteem levels. You need to choose what is right for you. Find someone you resonate with, and try out a few different options.
One option I offer is a my 10-week online The Life, Like You Mean It Course, which includes weekly group NLP coaching sessions and a free private Facebook group, allowing course members to support and inspire each other. It’s only offered twice a year (January and August), and includes deep, ground-breaking and soul-searching work that you complete in the comfort of your own home each week.
There’s even an option to upgrade to the premium edition, which includes an additional 10 private 1:1 NLP coaching sessions.
You can learn more about it, and register here: http://lifelikeyoumeanit.com/life-course/
Reference: Psychology Today, 2013
Lisa Cybaniak is a Qualified NLP Practitioner, Motivational Speaker and Author who empowers women to overcome their self-limiting beliefs to build a life they deserve. To see how Lisa can help you process your unique journey and transform your life to one of meaning, love and ultimate happiness, visit her website. You deserve it!
New here? I write about overcoming child abuse, impostor syndrome and self-limiting beliefs. Here are some more blog posts that may help you overcome your past to build the life you deserve:
Why you Keep Attracting the Wrong Partner
Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life in 4 Steps
12 Positive Intentions to become a Survivor
Forget Failure, What if you Succeed?
Yoga: Connecting Mind & Body after Abuse
Understanding the Mind of an Abuse Survivor
If you love Pinterest as much as I do, I’d love for you to Pin and share any of the images in this post, also found below!
Super interesting about deeply rooted beliefs! Thanks for sharing this, so valuable!! Keep up the great work #Girlboss!
Thank you so much, Kate! I appreciate your support!