The truth about loving yourself first

 

Loving yourself is harder than most think. Especially if someone in your life has made a point of telling you you are not lovable.

I write about my experiences with child abuse. I write about how difficult it was to get over being told I am ugly, stupid, worthless, and useless. My ex step father told me those words from the age of 2 until 12. I took his place once we left, and let my internal mantra continuously remind me of what little value I had. That is until I began to get help. At some point, I allowed myself to glimpse just a slight hint of a higher value, and it blew my mind. Suddenly I realised my true strength and value and broke the chains that were holding me back from having a loving and fulfilling life.

Strength in numbers:

Along this path that I have chosen to walk, I have met some brave and amazing people. One of which is my friend Alianne Looijenga, a survivor of ten years of sexual abuse by her uncle and seven years of emotional, physical and financial abuse by her ex-partner. She is an international speaker motivating organizations to effectively help survivors of partner, sexual and child abuse. She is the founder of LifeSurfer.net, dedicated to empowering survivors of abuse by organizing workshops and readings.

Knowing many of my readers relate to the struggles with surviving abuse, but not necessarily child abuse, Alianne and I have decided to work together regularly. In our first collaboration, Alianne writes about ‘The truth about loving yourself before, during and after an abusive relationship’, sharing not only the mindset of the abuse victim, but the steps she can take to break the cycle.

Alianne’s story:

 

Let’s say you have a best friend and she is dating this guy. He is charming, funny, wants to spend a lot of time with her. You are very happy for your friend and you share all the things that women share when dating a cute guy :D.

But after a while, you notice that she is cancelling appointments with you. It’s getting harder to make an appointment with her because she is busy. She starts making sentences like: “my boyfriend doesn’t like it if…” “my boyfriend thinks I should” “my boyfriend doesn’t want me to…” She starts worrying if she is good enough for him. She tells you about his complaints about her, tells you about his long nights away. Perhaps even tells you about his anger issues. But as time progresses she shares less and less because you wouldn’t understand anyway, and on top of that you don’t understand their relationship well enough. At some point, she comes to you and the truth comes out. He has hit her several times and she is afraid.

Question: Would you recommend for her to run back to her boyfriend?

No, of course you wouldn’t.

But if the situation were reversed, would you have returned to him? If so, why would you return to such a guy? Maybe because you feel you love him. Maybe because deep down you are afraid of being alone. You find leaving scarier than staying.

So, we stay and try to justify our boyfriend’s behaviour. And like a skill, we become experts at convincing ourselves why we should stay, why we HAVE to stay. Something I personally used as an excuse was: “he needs me, otherwise he’ll hurt himself.” I also told myself that if I just could be better, if I just would change this or that we would be fine. This was something he had told me all along and I just adopted it. I told myself that it wasn’t that bad, that all relationships go through rough patches, etc., etc., etc., etc.

Be honest with yourself

But I should have been honest with myself and if you ever find yourself in such a situation, I believe you should be honest with yourself too. Because all the things I told myself about why I should stay ultimately came down to this: I was afraid to leave because of my low self-esteem. Before the trauma bonding, before anything else it came down to low self-esteem and not loving myself enough. I could not believe that what I felt was really happening – because I didn’t trust myself enough, due to my low self-esteem.

When I entered the relationship, I didn’t have a high self-esteem in the first place. Ten years of sexual abuse, the beginning of puberty and typical adolescent uncertainty does that to someone. The fear kicks in after the first hit, but the foundation of emotional dependence was already there.

But if I truly loved and trusted myself the way I should have, I would have left and I think that is something that most of us will recognize. Loving the other more and valuing ourselves less is the first cause to make us to stay. A few things that can happen while this is happening.

The fear of leaving

Leaving is scary (and can be dangerous). The future is uncertain. Starting over again is scary. You are left vulnerable. So, you just ignore that gut feeling that tells you that you should leave. By staying you and I didn’t ask to be hurt, but by staying we did create the possibility for him to do so and thus allowed him to go on.

In an abusive relationship, you can’t communicate your needs without being punished for it and if you could, your needs probably wouldn’t be met. This is because you are in a toxic relationship.

Suddenly you realize the dangerous situation you are in, and you are afraid to leave. This time it is not because of being hurt but because the situation is now so dire. He is now so out of control, you are afraid of losing you and possibly your loved one’s lives.

And then you leave

You probably feel a lot of self-blame after a while. Maybe you feel stupid for being in that relationship for far too long, for losing friends and family, for hurting or not listening to them. Because of this, your self-worth probably continues to go down. Maybe you feel alone, scared. You start a mental loop full of thoughts. Maybe he wasn’t that bad. Maybe it was you; maybe you can do better. Maybe you even deserved to be treated that way. All these things start playing in your head on repetitive cycles. Until you either end up in a relationship equal to this one with even less self-worth and self-esteem or run back to your ex.

 

But how do we break this cycle?

Self-worth

• We start by paying more attention to our self-worth and how we view ourselves. You can find good information about how to build your self-worth, here . You can find more information about confidence, here.
  

  Coping with anxiety

• We must understand our anxiety and how to deal with it when we feel it coming. What do you do to calm yourself? Do you call a friend, does ASMR help you (like one of the videos perhaps? https://www.youtube.com/user/StevePickles94/videos) or do you have other healthy techniques that helped you in the past to calm down? Whatever you choose, remember to do breathing techniques to calm yourself. You can’t make healthy choices if your mind is running around, so calm your mind first. Breath slowly in and out.
  

  Trusting your instincts

• Pay attention to your instincts in your relationship. When you feel that something is off fundamentally, it probably is. But sometimes we don’t trust ourselves enough to trust our instincts. For example, because you fell in love with an abuser before. Well, let me help you out: the problem wasn’t so much in the first place that you fell in love with an abuser. The problem was that you didn’t act upon your instincts when you felt and knew something wasn’t right. It isn’t enough to have those gut feelings.
  

  Act on your instincts

• Everybody has them, but if when the signs aren’t clear because of our low self-esteem we don’t trust our instincts, we ignore it, and we do not act on what it is telling us and continue to act against it. We confuse ourselves and ultimately can’t feel the signs anymore. But luckily we can prevent, reverse, and strengthen this “skill” by paying attention to our gut. Let it be an comforting thought: you have the power to choose who you spend your time with. And if someone isn’t treating you right, you have the power to walk way.

Click to Tweet: Let it be a comforting thought: you have the power to choose who you spend your time with.

Intuition

• Now that we are paying attention to our gut, it is time to understand what our intuition is telling us. Sometimes we are so consumed by fear, anxiety, and doubt that it is difficult to know what is what. So first of all we must define our feelings. What is the source of these feelings? Is it truly your intuition or is it fear? I think this is a great article to help you start with that.

Click to Tweet: And it takes no time to fall in love. But it takes years to know what love is – Jason Mraz

Decisions

• Now we learn the difference between actual fear vs. our instincts acting up. It is time to listen and act upon our instincts. If someone is crossing our boundaries, then it is time to communicate that with them. If that doesn’t help and somebody crosses them over and over again, then you have to decide if this situation is healthy and what you want to do with that situation. Remember, as we grow, our perspective, our attitudes, and our needs change anyway (crossing boundaries or not).
  

  Mutual growth

• Other people who are going through their own growth process don’t necessary grow with us; it can happen with people who are close to you. It doesn’t always mean that you’ll have to say goodbye (this is only possible for non-abusive relationships of course), but if something has a negative impact on your life, it is best to let it go and find positivity and closure to learn from that situation.
  

  Finding help

• If you feel that you are stuck and need some guidance, it is best to find help. Maybe you have a mentor nearby, a trusted friend, family member, etc. Maybe you feel the need for a psychologist or a coach. Get the help that you know you need.

Click to Tweet: And if someone isn’t treating you right, you have the power to walk way.

The crazy dance!

• Do a crazy dance. Seriously. If you find that your mind is spinning, spinning, and spinning and you want to snap yourself out of that loophole, do a crazy dance. What not to do: hanging out on the couch listening to sad music that will allow your mind to go through that loophole again. If you feel that your mind starts again and you want to step out of that loophole do some kind of activity like running, dancing etc.
  

  The amazing Yourself

• Level up. New things in life are scary. Uncertainty is scary. Life is scary because nothing is certain. But you have one person you can learn to trust your detour and that is yourself. The amazing Yourself is someone who will always be with you and the best thing is that you can control how she reacts to circumstances. You are in the powerseat of your life and you and only you are responsible for the choices you make.

Other must reads: http://tinybuddha.com/quotes/tiny-wisdom-when-its-time-to-move-on/ by Lori Deschene

 

 

Thank you, Alianne, for such an open and honest blog, and for the hope you offer thousands of women who will now find the strength and support to love themselves despite, or perhaps because of, their experiences. For more information on Alianne, please visit her website: http://lifesurfer.net/

For more information on Lisa and her services, please visit www.lifelikeyoumeanit.com. Better yet, book a complimentary call so we can chat!