by Lisa Cybaniak
Have you ever wondered, or perhaps even realised, that the dramas you’re trying to fix are actually all in your head? I know I’ve caught myself many times over the years mulling over an experience from the past, coming up with all the brilliant things to say in the moment that has now long passed.
I’ve even caught myself thinking about an upcoming conversation I need to face, planning out all the possible results of that conversation. It makes me feel prepared – that I’ll have a plan no matter what the outcome, so I don’t need to fear the situation.
Today, we’re talking about how this keeps you in your head, facing dramas and traumas that don’t even exist. By asking yourself, “Am I safe?”, “Am I accepted?” and “Am I going to be rejected?”, you’re giving your power over to these situations, and even to other people. You’re gaining your sense of self from the outside. And it’s disempowering because it’s based on fear and fantasy. You don’t know who you are but you’re willing to be whoever they need you to be.
Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz is the founder of MenSpeak men’s groups, is one of the UK’s leading men’s personal development consultants and was even dubbed ‘The Man Whisperer’ by Newsweek. He helps men achieve their life, relationship and career goals, facilitating workshops and working privately with individuals and partners.
Meet Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz
Kenny has shifted himself from this place of ‘Am I?’ into the space ‘I am’, where you step into your power, and meet others in theirs, rather than needing to have power over people. It’s a space of consciously collaborating instead of unconsciously competing, where you’ve gained a true sense of who you are.
And believe me when I say, if Kenny can make this transformation from ‘Am I?’ to ‘I am’, then so can you.
You see, Kenny was a refugee from Uganda who, at the age of seven, didn’t know where they’d land, what was expected of him, or how to take care of his family after being told he was now the head of the family. Kenny has overcome OCD, body dysmorphia and other mental health issues, to work with Mother Teresa.
Turning around his own dramas and traumas to leave his “victim club” in favour of living consciously and powerfully has enabled him to meet men where they are and facilitate life-changing shifts in perspective and life.
If you’re ready to find out who you no longer need to be to let who you really are emerge and start existing in your life, shifting from “Am I?” into “I am!”, then this episode is going to rock your world!
So, let’s dive right in!
The big reveal
Kenny’s first tip is to get real with yourself to realise that most of the dramas and traumas you’re trying to fix don’t even exist – they’re in your head.
All the time you spend mulling over different scenarios, what you’ll say when this or that happens, how you’ll respond to him or her, and how you’ll look doing it, is really you just playing out stuff that hasn’t actually happened. It probably won’t ever happen, yet you’ve got an entire game plan in place.
You’re spending all your time in the past or future, rather than right here in the present. Recognising this, and taking the steps to change it, is the first step to shifting from always asking, “Am I….?” into confidently stating, “I am…!”
Get out of your head to shift out of “Am I?” mode
In order to make the change, Kenny highlights his strategy to get out of his head, and into his body, in this present moment.
Whenever you catch yourself fearing or fantasising, don’t allow yourself to finish the sentence. Instead, stop, take a deep breath in and say, “Thank you for reminding me who I used to be”, with gratitude rather than regret.
When you breathe out, say, “I take part with what’s in front of me”.
The time it takes to do this over a couple breaths is virtually nothing, yet it has the power to bring you back to the here and now.
Unlearn what you think you know
Kenny spent a long time unlearning what’s not true in order to live his life with passion. He suggests you allow your pain to act as the fuel to power you on, rather than keep you stuck and reliving the past.
Personally, I know first-hand the power of this tip. After 10-years of child abuse, I thought I knew that the world was out to get me, people were dangerous, and I was worthless. Taking the time to unlearn these so-called truths of mine, set me free. Instead of reliving my trauma daily, I now live consciously in my present.
What needs attention?
When negative feelings or thoughts pop up, follow them back to their origin, to the place of the broken spirit, and ask yourself, “What needs attention?” If you want more out of life and life wants to give you more, then wherever you trace these feelings back is the part you need to release.
We both know that how you release this part is different for everyone.
Trying to silence this part of yourself actually feeds your inner victim. Kenny believes you need to allow this inner part of you to come along, but with the volume turned down. What that means to him is that you acknowledge it is there. Give it a voice, and itno longer needs to dominate.
Play big
Kenny’s final tip is to play big enough to get it wrong, as that is what allows for growth and feedback from life. If you play too small, nothing will shift. We must be willing to take chances in life. Our comfort zone keeps us safe, and safety is coveted. But being “safe” also keeps you stuck.
More from this episode
Let’s face it. Whatever you’ve gone through in your life, you’ve created coping strategies that worked brilliantly to get you through. Many of those strategies may have even saved your life.
For example, mine was preparing for all situations and outcomes. If this happens, then I’ll do this, but if this happens, then I’ll do this. It can make you feel like you’re in control, and perhaps you were at that time when those strategies served you well. But are they still?
When we leave those life-altering experiences, we tend to bring along those coping strategies, despite no longer needing them. Afterall, they served us so very well. However, those are now the same strategies that are holding us back. We’ve become addicted to our fears and fantasies; to what people think, and how we can give others what we think they want.
We’re stuck in the “Am I?” persona.
Is this where you want to be? Is this the best place for you now?
I suppose one question remains: Are surviving or living?
Press play on the episode above – you don’t want to miss this!
Follow Kenny on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn. You can also get more information on his MenSpeak men’s group, as well as his story and work.
Want to help this podcast? Follow us, subscribe, and leave a comment on this, or any other episode!
Check out the Pinterest & Instagram scheduling super-powers of Tailwind!
Start your free 30-Day Challenge today!
Voice over credit: Shari Vandermolen. Shari is offering a free download of one of her songs to the fans of the Life Like You Mean It podcast! Just visit www.GiftFromShari.com and tell her where to send it. Shari’s debut album is available for streaming on all the major platforms including Spotify and iTunes.
Top Picks
Freebies for You!
