by Lisa Cybaniak
Getting out of abusive relationships can be so difficult. Getting out of any relationship, after determining that it isn’t serving your Highest good, can be easier said than done. But once you are out, the battle is actually only half won.
The challenge now becomes breaking the pattern of accepting abusive or lacking relationships. Without doing some deep self-reflection, how can you guarantee that you won’t make the same decision, and attract the same type of partner again?
There is something to be said about where your mind is at when it comes to building healthy relationships that are worthy of your time, space and energy.
If you don’t tackle your beliefs in what you deserve, and all the aspects of your previous abusive relationships, you’re likely to repeat the pattern. Getting out isn’t what breaks that pattern. The work that follows is.
Kelle Salle is a writer, blogger and owner of Kelle’s Space, a lifestyle website launched in 2017, dedicated to educate, inspire and empower millennial women through storytelling. She isn’t afraid to explore topics such as healthy and unhealthy relationships, friendships, wellbeing, mental health, travel and so much more.
Meet Kelle Salle
Kelle’s inspiration for speaking out on some difficult topics comes from personal experience. She was in her own abusive relationship. Three years into her first serious relationship, and engaged to marry, Kelle realised this wasn’t how someone who loved her should treat her.
She struggled with the idea of leaving, mainly because her finance wasn’t physically abusive. His abuse manifested in controlling, possessive and isolating behaviour.
Like many, he started the relationship as a loving and supportive partner. This allowed Kelle to believe that was his true nature, and the abusive turn he had taken was just a phase. She waited for him to change – not into someone she hoped he could be, but back into the person he had been.
I know so many can relate to this, whether it’s abusive relationships or just ones that don’t honour you. That’s why it’s so important to talk openly about this subject.
If you’re curious about Kelle’s tips to breaking the pattern of abusive relationships so you can build healthy ones from this point forward, then you don’t want to miss this.
So, let’s dive right in!
Self-reflection after abusive relationships
This is the first tip because it is vital. We can get very deep here by talking about our beliefs about ourselves and what we deserve. After all, having someone treat you abusively can happen only when you believe you deserve it, right?
Kelle talks about how most abusers are charming, especially at first. They know they can’t get away with abusing a strong, empowered woman, so their priority is to be the person you expect them to be. That is, until they feel confident that you feel safe and secure. And that’s when they begin attacking your self-esteem and confidence. To do this, they drop the façade and show their true colours.
The self-reflection after breaking free from abusive relationships is for you to see the unfolding of this through fresh eyes. You likely didn’t walk into that relationship believing you deserved to be treated that way. But because of the slyness of his actions, and the changes in his behaviour and personality, you ended up being treated that way. You also ended up feeling and believing that you deserved it.
That’s why it’s so important to reflect on how this happened; what your beliefs are now that you are out; what you truly deserve; and figure out how to heal and grow from this experience. If you’re stuck feeling like a victim, you’ll keep attracting the opposite: the abuser.
Give yourself time
Taking the time to mourn, learn, grow and heal seems self-explanatory, but many people jump right into a rebound relationship because of the lack of confidence and self-esteem they have after those abusive relationships.
One of the reasons they do this is because someone else caused them to lose their confidence while diminishing their self-esteem, so someone else should be able to reverse that, right?
Another reason people may rush into another relationship is it distracts them from mourning that loss. When something fails so spectacularly, it can be embarrassing to feel sad at the loss.
But what you’re mourning is the loss of what you thought you had in the beginning; of what you hoped he’d return to. That’s not shameful, it’s natural. And when you avoid mourning this loss, you leave yourself open to repeat the pattern.
Acknowledge how you’re feeling
This goes together with the previous tip. When you acknowledge and accept how you’re feeling, you allow yourself to work through those feelings, rather than avoiding them.
Be present by focusing on what you need. This is different from what has worked for others, or what they needed. Yes, you may find amazing people to support you through this that have great tips for you. And many of those tips may suit you perfectly.
But it’s also possible that what worked for them won’t work for you. Take the time to be open with yourself on how you’re feeling and what you need. What does getting over someone mean to you?
Create a list of standards
Before you start to date again, create a list of standards. What do you want and deserve in a partner and relationship? What are your boundaries? What will you tolerate? What won’t you tolerate?
Kelle suggests you apply these boundaries in all your relationships. That’s with friends, family, colleagues and even acquaintances. Being strict with your standards in other areas of your life will build your confidence in your ability to do the same in your next romantic relationship.
Don’t let social media rule you
We all know that social media is notorious for NOT depicting real life. People post the best pictures, at the best angles with the best lighting, with their perfect smiles, trying desperately to show their lives as perfect. Especially after a breakup.
It’s the best way to show that you’re over them, moving on, and living your best life. But what it doesn’t show is all the work they’re doing on themselves to truly get over the relationship. Never mind the tears that are being shed behind closed doors.
The best advice I’ve heard in a long time, coming directly from Kelle: Don’t live your life after someone else’s highlight reel!
More from this episode
Leaving abusive relationships is the first step, but the real work is just starting. Breaking this pattern is key, otherwise you risk just replacing one abusive relationship for another.
So many survivors I have spoken to have expressed a complete lack of trust in themselves after finding safety. They tell me that after being in abusive relationships, they no longer trust their own judgement. I mean, they fell for their charms and were tricked into falling in love before he showed his true colours.
And what’s just as bad, is the shame they feel for believing they would and could change. They simply don’t trust themselves to get into another relationship.
Kelle’s tips on how to break this pattern could really make all the difference. We talk about so much more in this episode, including the signs of an abusive relationship, advice on how to be there to support someone in a difficult relationship, and tips to leaving a relationship that doesn’t honour you, abusive or otherwise.
So, go ahead and press play on this episode!
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Voice over credit: Shari Vandermolen. Shari is offering a free download of one of her songs to the fans of the Life Like You Mean It podcast! Just visit www.GiftFromShari.com and tell her where to send it. Shari’s debut album is available for streaming on all the major platforms including Spotify and iTunes.
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