19 Golden Rules to make you a Confident Woman

I would like to share with you a blog written by my friend Alianne Looijenga entitled ’19 Golden Rules to make you a Confident Woman’. Many of you are all too familiar with the harsh reality of low self-esteem. I too have struggled many times with confidence. Not only do I find her traits of a confident woman to be spot on, but I love the tips Alianne gives as they are actually attainable!

Alianne Looijenga is a survivor of ten years of sexual abuse by her uncle and seven years of emotional, physical and financial abuse by her ex-partner. She is an international speaker, motivating organisations to effectively help survivors of partner, sexual and child abuse. She is the founder of LifeSurfer.net, dedicated to empowering survivors of abuse by organising workshops and readings.

 

 

 

I always enjoy seeing a confident woman. Not only because the power in me acknowledges the power within her but also because it is likely that she had to work hard for her confidence.

It’s sadly still very common in our society for women to be taught to be passive, and to give, give, give and ask for nothing in return. To give the best cookie on the plate to others so she is left with the crumbs.

This is especially true when we are abused. We are told we are nothing, we question our own intuition, our decision-making, but most of all, we question ourselves and shrink to the point that our self-worth, standards, and goals in life depend on the opinions of others. We forget that to take care of others we have to take care of ourselves first. A confident women isn’t afraid to speak her mind because she knows she has a message to share with the world. She will never talk negativity about herself because she knows that she is the only one that sticks with her, in good times and in bad until the end of her days. She learns how to become her own best friend.

So how do people become confident? What are their traits? What do they do?

Below I will share with you what I believe are the traits of confident women, what my believes are that made me confident and what you can do to become a confident woman yourself.

• A confident woman chooses her inner talk wisely. Words such as stupid, ugly, and dumb don’t fit in her vocabulary because she knows those words won’t get her any further. If you notice these words in your thoughts realize that those words are like loose sand, you can’t build on them nor do they represent any objective reality, they are just draining thoughts. You have the power to let your thoughts break or make you. Positive statements however are like bricks; you can build towers with them. So if you notice sand in your home of thoughts, get a vacuum cleaner.

• Confident women realize that confidence is not a new year’s resolution you give up on after a while when something gets in the way. Instead, it’s a goal, something to work on every day. You can have off days, but you pick yourself up and move on.

• Confident women don’t fail. Sure, perhaps something didn’t go as planned, and sometimes they screw up but they don’t beat themselves up over it. They don’t whine, “why meeeeh.” No, they simply realize they are a human being with something new to learn. Instead of beating themselves up, they ask questions instead. How can I improve this part in my life, what direction do I want to go? How do I get there? Small steps; every decision will get you where you want to be. Small steps, baby. Small steps.

• Confident women don’t all have perfect bodies by today’s standards. Nevertheless, they don’t fret or make themselves miserable or insecure about it. They know that beauty and attractiveness is in the eye of the beholder. She knows that the sumo wrestler who doesn’t want to get below a certain weight and the athlete that doesn’t want to get above a certain weight have different perceptions about what is ideal. That doesn’t mean that she doesn’t care for herself. Oh no, she does take excellent care of herself because she feels good about it. She carries herself in a certain way and knows that is more important than the freckle on her nose. She knows she is super sexy because she decided this so. She knows that she owns herself, is master over her own universe, and takes care for herself and her confidence and that makes her attractive to others. 20 kilo of makeup doesn’t make you confident. Being a size 1 doesn’t make you confident. Being confident comes from within.

Look at me. I am no size 2 (High five Meghan!), but it doesn’t stand in my way of feeling confident. You just don’t need super-visual things to be confident. But you DO need confidence to be attractive.

• Confident women don’t need other people’s validation. They don’t need other people’s approval. They validate themselves. They know their own principles, and they know what they stand for in life and the values they live by. Confidence is having a purpose in life and knowing what you bring in to the world. When you show up with that, you don’t need the validation of other people because you have validated yourself from within and not from without. And that is HOT!

• Confident women don’t let fear stop them.

• They take responsibility. You, and only you, can shape your life. Not your mother, not your brother, not your spouse. You are responsible for your own achievements throughout life. Confident women don’t compromise about this, ever. If you wait for the greatness of others or other forces, or the lottery to get you that dream life, then you are giving others the responsibility and control over your life… and honey, is that fulfilling? Will it always be that dream that was never ‘granted’? Do you want to be the man sitting on the rooftop? (if you don’t know this story, click HERE).

• You probably live in an era and in a country where you don’t have an excuse anymore. Did Oprah use her background as an excuse? Don’t think so. She took responsibility and didn’t settle for her grandma’s dream for her to work for a good white family. She knew that would not be her life. She followed her own dreams. And look what it brought her!

• Learn to enjoy your own company. Go to a new city alone. Treat yourself to a nice pancake. Take a course, make new friends… Get to know yourself better… Experiment with your life!

• Look at your posture! How does a confident person look? How does an insecure person look? Little experiment here: go outside, make yourself as tiny as possible; let your shoulders down, keep your hand low, imagine you are the worst kind of person in the world. Come back. How did you feel? Okay, here we go again. Go outside, straighten your shoulders back, smile, inhale deeply, and imagine you are the greatest most confident person in your life, your own best friend. Look for all the things you can be grateful for. Come back. Did you feel different? What felt better? Now do that in the future. By changing our behaviour, we can change our feelings. So if you walk better (outward) the inward will play catch up.

• Accept compliments with grace. Don’t devalue other people’s praises. Stick it to your confidence and reinforce the compliment you received.

• Avoid people who drain the life out of you and hold you back. Hang around people who give you energy and inspire you to create the best life. You are the average of the five people you hang around most. Make sure that you hang around the people who lift you up to be the best person you can be, who encourage you to pursue your dreams.

• In addition to this: find a mentor. Whatever you want to accomplish or aspire to be, there are others who have done things like it and can serve as your role models or even better; give you advice. Whether in person, through books or videos. Surround yourself with their energy, learn what they learned… You will see that it will do wonders for your life.

• Confidence improves with practice. Ask yourself what a confident person would do. Watch your internal monologue, change it when it’s not uplifting. Choose your words carefully. Check your posture. Slow down. Speak clearly. Make up your own mind.

• Practice gratitude. Try to see and find the good in all kinds of places. Whether it’s the food on your place, grateful for being alive, the flowers, your car, or catching the bus on time.

• Let go of what you can’t change. It sounds very simple, but most of the time it isn’t. However, it is time to make the conscious decision that there is no point in trying to change what can’t be changed. Embracing this will teach you how to let things go. Might have to repeat this process a few times, but then you’ll learn it gets easier with time.

• Take care of you! Exercise, rest, and eat living food is what you need. If you don’t (take) care for your body, how could your body take care of you? Or why should it, for that matter! Are you surprised that if you don’t put fuel in your car, it will malfunction one day? You can’t ask your body to do more than you put into it. So exercise to make your body strong, rest so it can process all the daily activities and recharge at the same time, and eat living food to keep you healthy.

• Have a plan. Know what you want to achieve in life. Know what makes you happy. Now, make a plan and go out to do that. Take small steps each day to accomplish your goal?

And last but not least:

• Become resilient. Rise up with dignity and grace if you fall. If you get up, you have a clearer look at what you can improve before you try again. Thomas Edison made 1000 unsuccessful attempts at inventing the light bulb. He didn’t see it as failing though. When a reporter asked: “How did it feel to fail 1000 times?” Edison said: “I didn’t fail 1000 times. The light bulb was an invention with 1000 steps.” Need some more inspiration? Look at this website to read more about people who only succeeded because of perseverance. http://www.uky.edu/~eushe2/Pajares/OnFailingG.html

-XO Alianne

 

 

Thank you so much Alianne for outlining the traits of a confident woman, AND giving so many achievable tips to help in this journey!

 

Lisa Cybaniak is a survivor of 10 years of physical, psychological and sexual child abuse. She is a motivational speaker and blogger, helping shed the stigma of being abused. She is the founder of Life, like you mean it!, dedicated to helping survivors of abuse survive well, having the life they deserve.

Book a complimentary call with Lisa to see how she can help you process your unique journey, and transform your life to one of meaning, love and ultimate happiness. You deserve it.