From Suicidal to Loving Myself - Life, Like You Mean It!

by Lisa Cybaniak

“You’re so stupid! I can’t believe you actually thought you could do this, you idiot!”

I said that to myself, and other similar phrases, every single day. In fact, I had been doing it for so long that I am not even sure when it started. But I do know that I was now in my twenties, using language like this on myself. It was true. Loving myself was a distant dream.

This is nothing short of abusive, but it is a genuine representation of how I felt about myself. At that time in my life, I was suicidal. I really believed that the world would be a better place without me in it – that not only would people not miss me, but they would rejoice in not having to deal with me.

Except for my mum. I knew it would absolutely devastate her if I took my own life. And something deep down told me that it was not my life I wanted to end, but the pain I was feeling. My deepest desire was actually to love and accept myself in every moment.

Is Loving Myself Even Possible?

But how could I love and accept myself when I was so ashamed of my past? I had survived 10 years of child abuse – physical, psychological, and sexual. While I had found safety from my abuser at the age of 12, I was nowhere close to being safe. Instead, I was abusing myself with negative mantras and self-loathing, every second of every day.

My journey to turning this desire into a reality began with the realisation that if I did not do anything different, I could not expect anything different. And that meant I would live the rest of my years tormented with this pain and loathing of myself. That simply was not an option.

But, like most people, I really believed I had done things to change my circumstances. The reality was, I did not realise the problem was within, so too would be the solution. Yes, I thought I was the problem, but I did not realise that the love I sought needed to come from me. Instead, I truly believed it would come externally. After all, the abuse was from someone else, so surely the love I needed would also come from another. Loving myself did not even enter my mind.

Change or Denial?

The changes I thought I was making was really denial. I desperately attempted, with great success I might add, to convince myself that if I did not speak about my abusive childhood, it simply would not have happened. All the pain would just go away. Coupled with finding a man willing to love me, and presto, I would be “healed”!

Of course, I learned that the love I was seeking was always being freely given by others. I simply could not see, acknowledge, or accept it because I did not believe I deserved it. Once I made that revelation, everything began to shift. It is like any other ah-ha moment – once it hits you, your awareness is raised and there is no going back.

The “Loving Myself” Strategy

There were, and still are, many aspects of my healing that have played an integral role in loving and accepting myself. First, I began to learn about the role I was playing in my own suffering. This meant I needed to acknowledge the fact that the pain I was feeling now was not from my abuser. Rather, it was from me. And that meant I was choosing to cause myself pain.

Second, I began to look at the language I was using to describe myself and my world to both myself and others. This really opened my eyes to how catastrophic my language was, and thus my life. Learning to adapt my language really helped my shift my perspective and begin to feel differently about my place in the world.

Along this journey, I looked at my inner child and developed a relationship with her whereby she feels heard, safe and loved. My unhealed ego naturally popped up from there, begging me to work with it to help it to heal.

I began to dive deeply into spirituality, looking for the meaning of life, and the experiences we have in life. This really helped me to answer my nagging question of “Why me?”, which naturally led me to the concept of spiritual forgiveness.

Next, I began to look very critically at my belief systems. Some of my beliefs were obvious. These were the negative things I said to myself, such as, “You’re ugly, stupid and worthless”. Naturally, I assumed all my limiting beliefs would stem from my childhood abuse. However, I quickly learned there were other, less sinister beliefs that were also impacting my life. These were beliefs like how much money I should make and could make, as a woman; how I should be married with 2.5 kids and a white picket fence; how difficult it is to have your own business.

These beliefs were impacting every decision I made, as well as my feelings towards myself and my life. So, looking into them, challenging, and adapting them was crucial.

From here, I was able to begin to release myself from the karmic bonds I would have with my abuser. Let’s face it, no matter how spiritual you become, spending another lifetime with someone who brought so much terror into this life is not something anyone would choose to do. And because I believe in past lives, reincarnation, and karma, it was important to me to release this debt to be free of my abuser, spiritually.

A Healing Journey

Now, there are many other concepts I explored along this journey to loving myself, and the ones mentioned above involve a lot more detailed than described in a short blog. However, these are the main concepts that forever changed my life, my perspective of myself and my world around me, and allowed me to fall deeply in love with myself.

Of course, I have moments when I mess up. I can say and do things that I am not proud of – either to myself or to others. Loving myself does not mean that I am perfect. But it does mean that I am accepting of where I am in my journey, respectful of what I need in this moment, and proud and full of love for my dedication to learn from my mistakes and build a life I truly deserve.

My Purpose

And a great part of this journey requires me to step into my purpose: Helping millions of people to raise their awareness and change their lives. Want to be part of this self-love healing journey? Reach out to learn about my six month coaching program, The Rise of You: 2.0.

Follow Me

I’d love for you to follow me on social media! Check out my Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, LinkedIn, and YouTube Channel. Learn more about NLP here!

Resources

My book, Survivor to Warrior: You can change your life, walks you through shifting your mindset, challenging your beliefs, recognising your power within, and more! Access it by searching for the title in your country. Here are the links to purchase in Canada, USA, and UK.